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THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ELF
The scene: a Dwarf-fanciers Anonymous meeting.
Group Leader: Ok, you guys, we have two new members today. One is Snow White, and the other is Legolas Greenleaf. I'd like you to welcome them, because we all need to leave our dwarves behind.
General welcoming from group
Snow White: Hi. I'm Snow White
Group: Hi Snow White.
SW: I...I not only worship the funny little people, but I....I LIVE WITH SEVEN OF 'EM!!!!!!
General shock
Group Leader: Well, honey, yours is obviously an extreme case. I think we'll have to call in a specialist.
Out comes a short man with a plaited beard
Dwarf (v.sinister): This way, my dear......
Group Leader: Well, that was unfortunate. But, let us turn to our other new member...
Legolas stands up, and all the female members of the group scream, claim they're cured and run next door into Elf-fanciers Anonymous
Legolas (with a shy grin and a quick flick of the hair): Well, I'm Legolas..
Group: Hi Legolas
Legolas: And I not only fell for a dwarf, but it was one I was working with. It started out fine, in fact I kinda detested him, what with me being an elf and him being a dwarf, but then I let him sit on my horse and it all went from there... looks down in shame
Group Leader: That's okay Legolas. We all make mistakes. Now, did your dwarf have a name?
Legolas: Yes. He was....GIMLI SON OF GLOIN!!!!!!!
Shocked gasps from group
Guy with fake plaited beard: Gimli is a legend among us. You must be hailed as our new king!!! wheezes and laughs in a 'geekish' manner
Legolas: Hey I was looking for a cure, not a kingship! I'm already a Prince you know flick
Door bursts open
Aragorn: Legolas, have you finished yet? Gimli's got the engine running and the Nazgul are on their way....
Group: GIMLI'S OUTSIDE???!?!?!?!?!?!?
The group stampedes out of the door
Aragorn (leaning out of window): Drive for your life, Gimli!!!!!
Legolas: Does this mean we're gonna have to share Bill?
Aragorn: I'm afraid so, my elven friend.
Legolas (mock exasperation): Darn it.
Aragorn: Come on then
He goes out of door
Legolas stands up and pulls out his wallet. He plucks a card from it, and lets it fall to the floor. He then follows Aragorn
Legolas: Wait up, oh High King of Gondor!!!
CLOSE UP ON CARD: Legolas Greenleaf, Member of King-fanciers Anonymous.....
THE CONFESSIONS OF A DWARF
The scene: An Elf-fanciers Anonymous meeting
Group Leader: Welcome, welcome. Some of you may recgonise me from the Dwarf-fanciers, King-fanciers and Hobbit-fanciers meetings. And I recognise some of you!
points to group of females huddling in corner
Weren't you Dwarf-fanciers yesterday?
Group of females: Must....have....legolas....
Group Leader: Er, quite. Well, we have a new member today. I'd like to introduce you all to Gimli, son of Gloin.
Group of females mumble something about being "not quite cured" yet and run into adjoining room
Group Leader: Gimli, would you like to share?
Gimli: Yes, well it all started when I went to Rivendell...
Random group member: You've been to *RIVENDELL*??? what was it like? Were there... ELVES?
Gimli: Well, yes
Group: He's been to Rivendell! We must hail him as King!!
oup starts chanting King! King!
Gimli: King, eh? Sounds goo..NO! I must be cured. I cannot continue to ride behind Legolas when I have these...feelings.
oup stops chanting
Random group member #2: It's hard. We all appreciate that. But it's gooood here. Only last week, the shoemaker realised that it was in fact HIM making all those shoes and not the elves at all!!
oup mutter in admiration
Gimli: You have to help me. It's getting embarrassing.
Group lean forward
Gimli: Well, what I mean is...when I sit behind him, on a bumpy horse, certain feelings I have make themselves known. Now, I've tried to tell him that it's just my beard, but I think he's starting to suspect...
Door bursts open and Boromir comes in
Boromir: Gimli, are you done yet? The hobbits want milkshake and they're getting restless.
Group Leader: Hi, have you come to join us?
Boromir: No I don't fancy any members of the Fellowship.
Boromir moves his shield to cover his "Wizard-fanciers Anonymous" sticker
Gimli: So, as I was saying, that Galadriel's quite a nice looking elf. And my major obsession, in fact my only obsession, no wait I've gone off her, look I'm cured, let's go Boromir.
Random group member #3: Mr Gloin? Didn't you say you were obsessed with Legolas?
Gimli: No. *I* Gimli, SON OF Gloin, would NEVER be obsessed with Legolas...
Boromir: Gimli fancies Legolas? Wait till I tell Aragorn! Anyway, Gimli we have to go!
Gimli: OK, and I don't fancy Legolas.
Boromir: Do
Gimli: Don't
They continue this argument and their voices fade as they go down the stairs
Group Leader: Aragorn? You can come out now...
Aragorn comes out from a cupboard
Aragorn: Man, that was close. Well, anyway, if I don't get my problem fixed, I'm gonna have to MARRY Arwen, and I mean, yeah she's a babe, but I'll be tied down...
Door opens and Legolas comes in
Legolas: Dammit, I knew we shoulda sent Sam...
Group chase Legolas outside. Luckily, it's been snowing and they all sink whilst he jumps off to...somewhere elvish
Arwen comes in
Arwen: Aragorn...I haven't got all day. Now come on, my immortal hair needs brushing.
Aragorn: Coming, dear....unable to resist her elvish charms
They leave
Group leader checks around the room to make sure no one else is there. Then he removes his disguise and reveals himself as GANDALF
Gandalf: Man, I'm making a mint! Those fools!! The secret spells I've been placing worked! Not too sure about Sam and Frodo though, I didn't think I HAD a hobbit-to-hobbit spell....
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